Showing posts with label Humour. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Humour. Show all posts

Friday, January 18, 2013

UNIVERSITY BLUES: DAY DEAN DANCED















In his veins bubbled fury,
From his face trickled sweat,
Up above a persistent din,
There boomed a furious dean,
"What’s this awful rumpus,
On my part of this campus?"

"You filthy hooligans,
Is this bloody ruction,
That higher education,
Your whorish mama took a loan
To send you here for?
Your asses back to their classes,
Dumbass freakish donkeys!"

Who knew the portly dean,
Babariga dancing in the wind,
Corpulent buttocks jiving
To a macabre drum of feet,

The din chasing at long last,
Could scamper so damn fast?


Written by: The one whose name adorns the fucking masthead.


Friday, August 17, 2012

THE NATURE OF NIGERIANS: COMEDIANS


Comedy by its nature is irreverent. Comedy can poke fun without being offensive; comedy can be racist without anyone being outraged; comedy can be anything and will get away with it. The practitioners of comedy are noted for observing society and making a mockery of issues and humans, from behind a bulletproof glass-covered pulpit of humour. Comedians are by nature disrespectful, because a respectful comedian would be politically correct and frankly, if you’re a politically correct comedian, you’re in the wrong job.



Wednesday, July 18, 2012

PLAYING SUWE WITH THE LAW

DISCLAIMER: This story is set in Jupiter. You know that means it doesn’t bear any semblance to anyone who lives, or has died on Planet Earth, and as no human has visited Jupiter yet, it can’t bear any semblance to whoever died on Jupiter either.

The Anatomy of A Plot, as written by Abdullateef Abiodun in the National Reflective Surface of May 11, 2023. AbdulLateef interviewed some of the persons involved in this event which occurred eleven years ago and has pieced together this story from their testimony.

“Scene Five, Take One and acksun!”

“Ko ni da fun e. Waa ya were gbeyin ni. Oloriburuku somebody. E maa wo…”
“Cut, cut, cut!”

Baba Suwe had been on the set of “Area Fada”, a new “movie” set to be released the next day. The theme of the movie seemed to be Baba Suwe cursing his way through every situation that came his way till the end. Of course, Baba Suwe was writer, director and producer. He would have been the boom boy, but for the absence of a boom. He had to cut the scene short because Murphy Ray, who was behind the camera, had just flashed his phone in his direction. On the screen, Baba Isale was calling, and Baba Isale took nothing for an excuse for a missed call, not even shooting a movie.


Monday, July 16, 2012

NYSC: BACK WHEN...


Camp pictures are on the mobile :(. This is still Kogi :)


A recap of 21 days at Asaya Kabba, Kogi State. It were pretty. And written just about a year ago. 

ONE QUESTION
How the hell did “as you were” ever become “ajuwaya”? And now, I have to tolerate people saying ajuwaya in my direction whenever I don that uniform or half of it anyways. Add that to being called corper, copper, manganese and molybdenum and I am well and truly pissed off.


Tuesday, June 26, 2012

EINSTEIN'S FAVOURITE MOVIE OF ALL TIME

Si, mi pump-pump es broki... or so the Senor said

A revelation came upon me as I sat and moped about. This was reward for my period of disillusionment. Disillusionment always brings about a revelation. Now think what heartbreak would do to me! I would write truly poetic and soggy poems, learn my Spanish in record time, think up corny quotes from my suppressed corny quote well and then replace them with something macho to post on Twitter. Story of my heart’s life. However, I have not been heartbroken and I fear I shan’t be for quite a while to come, because, really, what fool continually gets heartbroken? D.O Fagunwa, God bless his soul,


Tuesday, May 22, 2012

THE LAST NORTHERN PRESIDENT

AUTHOR'S CAUTION: Any likeness to any Homo sapiens or objects, real or imagined, must have only been imagined by you. This story alludes to no such things. Well, if you think it does, there's always the trusty shrink, It is also worthy of note that this was written in 2009, when a certain somebody was bedridden in Saudi Arabia. Thank you.


time time


In climes distant from our shores, where heads were not permitted to be unadorned by pieces of fabric, there lay a president, prostrate, perforated by needles and blades, attached to a dozen different blinking machines, and hanging on for dear life. Did I mention that he was black?

Not today though, the president was strangely bubbly and full of life...well, not like normal healthy people, but in the circumstances, quite remarkable. He had requested that a television be brought into his room and tuned to AIT. “Why not NTA sir?”, his ADC had enquired, and the president had this to say to him: Stop sucking uf, we are not in Abuja



Monday, April 2, 2012

10 OF THE BEST APRIL MOVIES: PART 1


Looking for movie download advice? Or do you just wanna plan your cinema-going time ahead? Well, look no further. I wish I could give you download links too, but um... Just but um. Anyhoo, all 10 movies featured here slated for release in this awesome month of fools. Apologies to all my April-born friends, but seriously, the first day of your month is Fools' Day, what else could possibly go dumb? You were born on April 1st? Na, your mum just played an April Fools gag on your dad and you!  

TITANIC 3D
Will your heart go on?
Release date: April 6, 2012
Genre: Drama
Running time: 194mins
Director: James Cameron
Studio: Paramount Pictures
Producer(s): James Cameron, Jon Landau
Screenplay: James Cameron
Cast: Leonardo DiCaprio, Kate Winslet, Billy Zane, Kathy Bates, Bill Paxton, Bernard Hill, Gloria Stuart, Frances Fisher, Victor Garber

“The women will cry; the men will get boners when they see boobs in 3D.” And before you retort, yes the naked “eyes” working in tandem and working together with the brain create an illusion of 3D. Now, imagine that the two eyes are working together to create 3D, when the picture is already in eye-popping 3D. 4D?

Enough of my dodgy physics.

The visionary genius that is James Cameron would have wanted this movie to be originally shot in 3D, and finally, he gets the chance to showcase it to the world that way. It’s been a long wait. The man had to delay the shooting of Avatar for more than a decade (also written in 1997, like Titanic) because of the unavailability of the necessary technology, according to him. Titanic evoked emotions in us all – young, old, small, big – and it has come to haunt us again! If you are ever gonna see this 3D release, please, please and please and please, your laptop’s screen will never do justice to whatever “thiefed” version you get off the internet. If it’s


Friday, March 23, 2012

BABY'S DAY OUT: THE STORY

The bawling doesn't come,
Oblivious to the expected,
The baby doesn't cry,
Abomination! They cry,
And WHAM!
Calloused palms meet smooth skin,
We must elicit the essential.

Robust and high-pitched,
The baby's throaty reaction,
As if to say,
"I've heard your gist,
I'll be old enough soon,
I'll get u for it,
Wicked nurse."

After the nurse had slapped my butt, and I had burst to life, she handed me to my mother who in turn crooned admiringly before she handed me back to the nurse, the cue for washing up. I was bawling quite loudly now, and I could sense the nurse’s discomfort. Wasn’t that what everyone wanted – loud bawling? If only she knew, she wouldn’t have slammed her palms on my little bootie, baa baa baa. Maybe she hasn’t eaten. Now we were strolling down a white hall. Ok, the nurse was strolling down the hall, me in tow, bawling still, the antiseptic smell of the hospital violating my virgin nostril, this fact nudging up the volume of my bawling a fair few decibels. My face was ensconced in a rather succulent swelling – rather comforting –


Tuesday, February 14, 2012

LOL AT VALENTINE


At about midnight, the owl shrieked and the crow swept by, settling for the middle spot on the roof of his house. The witching hours had been  ushered in. Yesterday’s blues had gone, to be replaced with today’s reds…
                                         -        Sir McKay Fanny (Shot in the Head and Dead)

It’s amazing when it’s on only certain designated days you notice what probably has always been there, like my red ribbon, which I use to signify that I have a part in fighting the AIDS scourge. I had been wearing it for a while but only this morning did a young lassie notice it, predictably because today is Valentine’s Day. 
She’s not the only one and I do not really wear red ribbons around, AIDS or no AIDS, -_-.

That said, I didn’t wake up today trying to notice what nuances red would assume. It just so happened that as I was about to board my bus today, a young lass (they are always lasses) I saw yesterday in my bus had dressed up in a contraption of red, white, and some other colours my brain fails to recall now. No time. She wasn’t in my bus today, only the next one.



Sunday, January 29, 2012

FINDING GRAFFENBERG


You know I internet-trawl a lot? Yes, you know. Inevitably, one is bound to make discoveries one wouldn’t normally make sitting on his arse and staring into space, or lying on his tummy/back and still staring into space. On this day, I found Graffenberg, or let me say he found me.


Ernst Graffenberg is one of those many unlucky German Jews who got rounded up in a bid to create the “blue-eyed blond-haired” super race – the Aryan race (wasn’t Hitler dark-haired and unattractive when he wasn’t raving?). Herr Graffenberg was also among the many stupid ones who thought their high placing in the German society would exempt them from the Nazi purge and didn’t bother taking to their heels when
presented the chance. Fortunately, he was one of the lucky few who were allowed to be ransomed from the nasty Nazi prisons and ended up in the US, New York City to be precise. Ernst Graffenberg was also a medical doctor – a gynaecologist.


You’ve heard of that thing called a G-spot? Yes, it was named after Herr Doktor for his role in pointing out the role of the urethra in female organism. I believe his name is unrelated to the now mostly extinct G-string. Back on topic, the G-spot is an erogenous zone, a part of the body that, if the right amount of pressure is applied, all sorts of wonderful sensations can be felt. Apparently, the G-spot is the most profoundly powerful of all these zones because it can result in the “Big O” in no time.


The question now is; how did Mr Graffenberg come about his findings? I recently thought about the fact that my wife (in the future of course) would get pregnant and might have some male, who because he has a fancy two-letter title called Dr, would be doing all sorts of nasty stuff to my wife’s genitals and beyond – peeking, stroking, touching, feeling. Damn! Herr Graffenberg must have used his position of “power” to know that there lies a certain spot, two inches into the vagina (on the frontal wall), that can cause explosions worse than Saddam’s Scud missiles and more pleasurable than a tank of warm chocolate. I read all that, just in case you think I’ve been studying the female anatomy physically, although you can’t be quite sure. I shudder to think of many a wife that would have come back to Herr Graffenberg’s office for a quick fix, the concept of orgasms being quite alien to men of those days. I still understand if it is the clitoris because that isn’t exactly out of sight, but something as well-hidden as the so-called G-spot; how does a man know about it when not many females know where it is themselves? You would see that I use certain terms freely. Yes, I use them because, believe it or not, they are part of the body. If I can say you have a head, or a stomach, or an anus (yuck), you must as well have a vagina or a penis, I lie?


It is still somewhat disputed if such a spot as the G-spot exists, principally because it is so hard to find, but I can’t but help  to think that Herr Graffenberg may have set me a new challenge. But how won’t it be hard to find for the male folk who are still coming to grasps with unclasping the exotically named brassiere? Adventurous men and women, over to you.


P.S: Being a sexologist must be the most exciting and “rewarding” job in the entire world.



Tuesday, November 8, 2011

FUNNY PEOPLE


I don’t know what you’d call this, maybe a movie pun or something. But Funny People goes The Whole Nine Yards. Adam Sandler was in them both, aint it “maite”? So, I’m sure I need someone to figure out what figure of speech to call that sentence, but not until you hear what I have to say.
I was a bit late on the Funny People train. I did my private screening in July 2010. The movie came out I think sometimes in 2009, and I remember doing a ‘review’ on it. Now, doing a review in Nigeria most times (and a little bit for me) means that I glean information from the www and try to mold it to my taste. Your summary and imagination skills have to be up Everest to embark on that, or you’d just foul up the whole thing. I will try


Tuesday, October 4, 2011

BABY'S DAY OUT


The soon-to-be father's hysteria,
The mother's mind-boggling pain,
Closely pushed by joy near enough,
Doctors and nurses,
Calm and serene,


Monday, October 3, 2011

TWITTER SUMMARIES


Twitter. Twidda. Twirra. Call it what you please, but whichever thing (social network obviously) took over from Facebook had to be the dog’s bollocks. I learnt that from being too “Englandish” in my browsing habits. Dog’s bollocks, way to go!

QUICK QUESTION(S)

What is it with Twitter exactly? How the heck did Twitter gazzump Facebook? I remember reading a BBC article in 2009 when Twitter had but 350,000 users, as fast growing as it was then. Why doesn’t Microsoft Office “defaultly” recognize perhaps two of the most used words in the world  - Twitter and Facebook?
UPDATE: Facebook fights back with improvements announced at the f8 conference

IF YOU ARE NO STAR, YOU’VE GOTTA DO THE “BAMBI ALLAH”

After being a relative hit on Facebook, it was a bit strange coming to Twitter and all you had was yourself to talk with. This was way back before Twitter became the dog’s bollocks amongst Naija youth. Dog’s bollocks


Friday, September 16, 2011

TWINKLE'S ALL GROWN UP NOW!


Jiggle, jiggle shapely butt
How I wonder, "WHAT THE FUCK?!!"
Up above the knee just high
Like a bootie on a...thigh


Wednesday, September 14, 2011

OSAMA: THE DEFINITIVE TIMELINE

Va Va Voom!


SATURDAY NIGHT

Osama watched Saturday Night Live, live from New York at his Abbotabad headquarters, and was understandably aggrieved. That Seth Meyers guy could only do false Gaddafi and Mubarak interviews. Gaddafi and Mubarak had been stealing all the headlines lately. Osama nodded to himself grimly. He knew just what to do to swing the pendulum back in his favour, and he knew what to do to hold it there, at least for a couple of weeks. That should soothe my battered ego alright. Osama pressed a button on his remote to mute the TV. Someone was doing a Charlie Sheen impression. Again. Osama fiddled with his beard and took his script. Time to rehearse for my own TV show, starring Osama Bin Laden, Black Background Curtain, Raised Fist and later on, introducing new star, Bombs. Osama couldn’t quite get “the tone” right, and so he retired for the night.

SUNDAY MORNING/AFTERNOON

Osama woke up with a start. He had had a dream in which Obama was chasing him, along with an AIDS-infested Kenyan “virgin”. Not to


DEAR KID IN THE WOMB


Dear Kid in the womb,
I have one first order for you,
You must look like me!

The one who carries you – your mother, my woman
Yes, she’s fairer than Xerxes’ best maidens
But I don’t look too bad myself

Dear Kid in the womb,
Male, female or otherwise,


HIS HOLY WHIZNESS


Shantey Shantey Shantey. Shantey Shantey Shantey… Sangalo…

HIS HOLY WHIZNESS
 I may sing along. I may love the beat. I may even jive to it the few times I jive at all. But. I have never seen a duller whiz kid in my life. Maybe the fact that he is a self-proclaimed “Wheez Keed” plays a part in the dullness. After all, the lizard still finds time to hail itself. Even that lizard must have first performed outrageous feats – like falling from an Iroko tree – to deserve its own self-adulation. Why should I ask my parents if Wheez Keed is bad gan? My father will definitely never have heard of that name, and if I spell it to him, he would cringe instantly and feign a heart attack that measures 9... on the Richter scale. My mom, despite being a deaconess of The Apostolic Church likes to be worldly, in terms of songs, sometimes.



Monday, September 12, 2011

NIGERIA: TOEING THE COMPANY LINE



Tic, Tac, Toe...
There are times when you are up and about and you just notice things that, when you think about them, turn out to be amusing. For example, the following:


1. STARCOMMS, We Speak Your Language

I’m sorry, but no, you don’t. I know there are folks that write in your language, but assembly language has never been my strong suite. Imagine everyone going like, “01010111010101010101.  DO LOOP END etc etc”. Duh. Give me some English or Yoruba anyday. I can even tolerate the Akoko dialect, but please, spare me the alphanumeric bull.

2. THANKGOD AWAITED LIBERATION MINISTRY


Yes, a church, one church, is actually called that. If you think I’m the Police and I’m telling fibs, check out Awolowo Way at Ikeja. You’ll see. There are lots of Ibo-owned