THE LAST NORTHERN PRESIDENT

AUTHOR'S CAUTION: Any likeness to any Homo sapiens or objects, real or imagined, must have only been imagined by you. This story alludes to no such things. Well, if you think it does, there's always the trusty shrink, It is also worthy of note that this was written in 2009, when a certain somebody was bedridden in Saudi Arabia. Thank you.

time time

In climes distant from our shores, where heads were not permitted to be unadorned by pieces of fabric, there lay a president, prostrate, perforated by needles and blades, attached to a dozen different blinking machines, and hanging on for dear life. Did I mention that he was black?

Not today though, the president was strangely bubbly and full of life...well, not like normal healthy people, but in the circumstances, quite remarkable. He had requested that a television be brought into his room and tuned to AIT. “Why not NTA sir?”, his ADC had enquired, and the president had this to say to him: Stop sucking uf, we are not in Abuja

LOVE AND OTHER PSYCHOACTIVE SUBSTANCES: SERIES TWO

How's the laundry coming?

In this latest installment, we delve even deeper... If you missed the first installment, find them here

5. YOU’RE PLAYING A DANGEROUS GAME…

… by overly “chuking” mouth in that other person’s relationship. There’s an extent to which it is allowed that you get involved in someone else’s relationship. There’s a line you shouldn’t cross. Every, I repeat, every single important decision to be made in a relationship must be made by the individuals involved. Do not suggest for them, except if for instance, there’s proof of physical violence/abuse. Even at that, I’d tell you once or twice, and if you don’t listen, you’re totally OYO afterwards.

We’re humans and where we can get away it, we love to practice that blame culture. It wasn’t me that did it. It was already cracked. Blah. Trust me, if you help (or feel that you’re helping) someone by suggesting to that person that they leave a relationship because he/she (I’d prefer “they”, but not many people get English these days, just ask Freeze and Kaylah on CoolFm) has given you reasons why they should, well, take care that it doesn’t come back to bite you in the ass. That blame culture will ensure that

LOVE AND OTHER PSYCHOACTIVE SUBSTANCES: SERIES 1

...better elfs

I began this piece, several times, in my head. Unfortunately, despite the fact that the tools to put those beginnings down were within my immediate reach, laziness don finish me. Now, I toil to come up with something nearly as fabulous as the lost openings. All I see is black. And void.

Now, there has been a preponderance of movie blogs (aka blog posts) on here for a while now. My blog is for whatever pleases me to write at any particular moment, and right now, movies lo wa lori gangan. But a different bug has finally buzzed in my ear. It had been biting me for a while now, but I took no heed. However, it reverted to the tried and triple trusted mosquito routine – singing an opera in the highest falsetto (pardon my misuse of musical terms, if I have misused it) known to mankind. Kiakia, I don sit up, slap myself. The bug finally caught my attention. Congratulations, bug. Now, you’re getting squashed.

The title may have given you some inkling as to what I want to write about, although, at the time of writing this, I swear I hadn’t given thought to the title yet. It’s the world’s favourite topic, greater than religion, greater than football, oft misunderstood. Love. These are random thoughts about love. Oh heck, the title just jumped out at me.

1. THERE REALLY EXISTS A PHENOMENON CALLED TRUE LOVE

Awww, how very toshing...

I’ll lay my premise. Who says love has to last to be true? Who says it you can’t enjoy it however briefly it may last? What if insurmountable distance, disease or even death do you part, before a break up does? Does that mean the love wasn’t true?

10 OF APRIL'S BEST MOVIES: THE CONCLUDING 5

The first5 are over at <------ that link, just in case you missed it
 

L!FE HAPPENS

Baby mama

Release date: April 13, 2012

Genre: Drama, Comedy

Running time: 100mins

Director: Kat Coiro

Studio: PMK*BNC Studios

Producer: Justin L. Levine

Screenplay: Kat Coiro, Kristen Ritter

Cast: Kate Bosworth, Jason Biggs, Rachel Bilson, Krysten Ritter, Justin Kirk, Geoff Stults, Collin Egglesfield, Lauren Conrad

Sex happens… unprotected. So do babies. There’s a whole lot more to worry about unprotected sex than babies, but hey, whatever works for anybody mehn. This movie attempts to answer (and answer hilariously I must add) that question – when you are a single, knocked-up young chick (this was very hard to come up with, shoulda listened more to the English teacher in high school), how easy is it to get into a relationship with a dude who finds out you’ve pooped a baby already? Life Happens is a comedy about 3 young girls living under the pretty much the same roof in LA, with one becoming unexpectedly pregnant because… wait for it… condoms ran out and two of the girls needed them (sounds like your life, yes, you!). Kim - the pregnant party - with the help of her friends must cope with single motherhood. By herself, she must also cope with the

10 OF THE BEST APRIL MOVIES: PART 1

Looking for movie download advice? Or do you just wanna plan your cinema-going time ahead? Well, look no further. I wish I could give you download links too, but um... Just but um. Anyhoo, all 10 movies featured here slated for release in this awesome month of fools. Apologies to all my April-born friends, but seriously, the first day of your month is Fools' Day, what else could possibly go dumb? You were born on April 1st? Na, your mum just played an April Fools gag on your dad and you!  

TITANIC 3D

Will your heart go on?

Release date: April 6, 2012

Genre: Drama

Running time: 194mins

Director: James Cameron

Studio: Paramount Pictures

Producer(s): James Cameron, Jon Landau

Screenplay: James Cameron

Cast: Leonardo DiCaprio, Kate Winslet, Billy Zane, Kathy Bates, Bill Paxton, Bernard Hill, Gloria Stuart, Frances Fisher, Victor Garber

“The women will cry; the men will get boners when they see boobs in 3D.” And before you retort, yes the naked “eyes” working in tandem and working together with the brain create an illusion of 3D. Now, imagine that the two eyes are working together to create 3D, when the picture is already in eye-popping 3D. 4D?

Enough of my dodgy physics.

The visionary genius that is James Cameron would have wanted this movie to be originally shot in 3D, and finally, he gets the chance to showcase it to the world that way. It’s been a long wait. The man had to delay the shooting of Avatar for more than a decade (also written in 1997, like Titanic) because of the unavailability of the necessary technology, according to him. Titanic evoked emotions in us all – young, old, small, big – and it has come to haunt us again! If you are ever gonna see this 3D release, please, please and please and please, your laptop’s screen will never do justice to whatever “thiefed” version you get off the internet. If it’s