10 OF THE BEST APRIL MOVIES: PART 1

Looking for movie download advice? Or do you just wanna plan your cinema-going time ahead? Well, look no further. I wish I could give you download links too, but um... Just but um. Anyhoo, all 10 movies featured here slated for release in this awesome month of fools. Apologies to all my April-born friends, but seriously, the first day of your month is Fools' Day, what else could possibly go dumb? You were born on April 1st? Na, your mum just played an April Fools gag on your dad and you!  

TITANIC 3D

Will your heart go on?

Release date: April 6, 2012

Genre: Drama

Running time: 194mins

Director: James Cameron

Studio: Paramount Pictures

Producer(s): James Cameron, Jon Landau

Screenplay: James Cameron

Cast: Leonardo DiCaprio, Kate Winslet, Billy Zane, Kathy Bates, Bill Paxton, Bernard Hill, Gloria Stuart, Frances Fisher, Victor Garber

“The women will cry; the men will get boners when they see boobs in 3D.” And before you retort, yes the naked “eyes” working in tandem and working together with the brain create an illusion of 3D. Now, imagine that the two eyes are working together to create 3D, when the picture is already in eye-popping 3D. 4D?

Enough of my dodgy physics.

The visionary genius that is James Cameron would have wanted this movie to be originally shot in 3D, and finally, he gets the chance to showcase it to the world that way. It’s been a long wait. The man had to delay the shooting of Avatar for more than a decade (also written in 1997, like Titanic) because of the unavailability of the necessary technology, according to him. Titanic evoked emotions in us all – young, old, small, big – and it has come to haunt us again! If you are ever gonna see this 3D release, please, please and please and please, your laptop’s screen will never do justice to whatever “thiefed” version you get off the internet. If it’s
your first time, indulge yourself in whatever way.

SAFE

Don't point that at me!

Release date: April 27, 2012

Genre: Action

Running time:

Director: Boaz Yakin

Studio: Lionsgate Films

Producer: Lawrence Bender, Dana Brunetti

Screenplay: Boaz Yakin

Cast: Jason Statham, Catherine Chan, Danni Lang, James Colby, Kate Rogal

He didn’t really go away, but he’s back anyways. You can tell his name is Jason Statham, judging from the picture… unless you have just miraculously crawled from a Jurassic era cave. Kidding. Here’s one for action movie fans. You always know what you’ll get from Mr Statham – absolutely thumping action with some amazing fist and gunfight scenes, jaw-dropping stunts, and lots of ribcracking… er, not comedy. I’ve still not gotten over the Transporter series *yinmu*.

 

Here, Statham is Luke Wright – a streetfighter who has been taught a bitter lesson by the Russian Mafia. Da, that serves him right for blowing a rigged fight. On the other hand, there’s a young Chinko girl, and this girl possesses Weapons of Mass Destruction technology secrets, secrets the Chinese and Russian Mafia want to obtain at all costs, including murdering our favorite Chinko, to advance their own dastardly acts. Don’t ask me how she got them. Unfortunately for them and fortunately for us, Luke Wright inadvertently meets Chinko. It’s the Year of the Bee, and Flying Mantis has poked Master Angry Bee’s nest, and we all know what that means.

THE FIVE-YEAR ENGAGEMENT

Marry me? Give it 5!

Release date: April 27, 2012

Genre: Comedy

Running time:

Director: Nicholas Stoller

Studio: Universal Studios

Producer: Jude Apatow, Nicholas Stoller, Rodney Rothman

Screenplay: Jason Segel, Nicholas Stoller

Cast: Jason Segel, Emily Blunt, Chris Pratt, Alison Brie, Rhys Ifans

This is usually uncharted territory for moviemakers. In fact, the only movie I can remember watching that probably has the same sort of theme as this one is License to Wed, starring Robin Williams and the couple whose names I can’t seem to remember now. License to Wed dealt with the period between “we’re engaged to marry” and “I do”, in this case, a 3-week period in which the couple realize exactly what they are in for, helped by a cantankerous priest.

Whilst the general idea remains the same in both movies, the reasons why questioning the “union-to-be” differ significantly. In “The Five-Year Engagement”, Tom Solomon (played by everyone’s favourite How I Met Your Mother lawyer) proposes to his girlfriend, Violet (Emily Blunt), who happens to get a job offer at the University of Michigan, and therefore has to relocate. If 3 weeks were eye-opening, try 5 years for size! And the reason why we don’t delay marriages? A grandparent dies whilst waiting for the two to tie the knot! Upped ante.

THE THREE STOOGES

I'm Lil' Tunechi, I'm a nuisance

I go stupid, I go dumb like The Three Stooges

Release date: April 13, 2012

Genre: Comedy

Running time:

Director: Bobby Farrelly, Peter Farrelly

Studio: 20th Century Fox

Producer: Charles B. Wessler, Bobby Farrelly, Peter Farrelly, Bradley Thomas

Screenplay: Mike Cerrone

Cast: Sean Hayes, Will Sasso, Chris Diamantopoulos

Calm down. That title is not a line from Chris Brown’s Look At Me Now. What it is is an absolutely hilarious movie about Larry, Curly and Moe, one of whom thinks an iPhone is… wait for it… an eye phone (see trailer for details). The Three Stooges were left on a nun’s doorstep as babies, and from there, it’s all chaos. When their childhood home – The Sisters of Mercy Orphanage – becomes threatened to close down, they embark on a mission to save it. While they are it, they somehow manage to become involved in the bizarrest of murder plots, and funny enough, find themselves the stars of a successful reality TV show, along the way

Trust me, I’ve watched this trailer, and God knows I’ll be one the first Homo sapiens to illegally download it once it becomes available. Conversely, I just might wait 3 months and go see it in the cinema, with my new girlfriend…

What choice do I make from the above choices? Please help me, I’m in the mother of all dilemmas… NOT!

AMERICAN REUNION

Aww, we've grown past you too

Release date: April 6, 2012

Genre: Comedy

Running time:

Director: Jon Hurwitz, Hayden Schlossberg

Studio: Universal Studios

Producer: Chris Moore, Craig Perry, Adam Herz

Screenplay: Jon Hurwitz, Hayden Schlossberg

Cast: Jason Biggs Alyson Hannigan Seann William Scott, Tara Reid, Mena Suvari, Jennifer Coolidge, Katrina Bowden, Chris Klein, Thomas Ian Nicholas, Shannon Elizabeth, Eugene Levy, Natasha Lyonne, Dania Ramirez, Vik Sahay

DO NOT BE FOOLED! This is probably the concluding part of that awesome series of movies – American Pie. Well, maybe not. There’s still middle age to shoot about. Don’t hold your breath. The previous seven movies of this series taught me all sorts of nonsense, cool nonsense, if you ask me. Don’t ask your pastor that question however; you may just get a holy slap! Who says movies don’t affect you? In this latest installment, everyone is grown up and they only return home for their high school reunion. In one weekend, they, and us viewers, will find out what has or hasn’t changed about our favorite band of hormonal kids. Does Finch still have a thing for Stifler’s mom? Has Stifler lost his asshole halo (this one’s a black and dull one people)? How well are Jim and Michelle doing married? Is Eugene Levy dead?

 

 There's five more to come... IN PART TWO! Coming soon, to a blog near you.