TWINKLE'S ALL GROWN UP NOW!

Jiggle, jiggle shapely butt
How I wonder, "WHAT THE FUCK?!!"
Up above the knee just high

Like a bootie on a...thigh

OSAMA: THE DEFINITIVE TIMELINE

Va Va Voom!

SATURDAY NIGHT

Osama watched Saturday Night Live, live from New York at his Abbotabad headquarters, and was understandably aggrieved. That Seth Meyers guy could only do false Gaddafi and Mubarak interviews. Gaddafi and Mubarak had been stealing all the headlines lately. Osama nodded to himself grimly. He knew just what to do to swing the pendulum back in his favour, and he knew what to do to hold it there, at least for a couple of weeks. That should soothe my battered ego alright. Osama pressed a button on his remote to mute the TV. Someone was doing a Charlie Sheen impression. Again. Osama fiddled with his beard and took his script. Time to rehearse for my own TV show, starring Osama Bin Laden, Black Background Curtain, Raised Fist and later on, introducing new star, Bombs. Osama couldn’t quite get “the tone” right, and so he retired for the night.

SUNDAY MORNING/AFTERNOON

Osama woke up with a start. He had had a dream in which Obama was chasing him, along with an AIDS-infested Kenyan “virgin”. Not to

DEAR KID IN THE WOMB

Dear Kid in the womb,

I have one first order for you,

You must look like me!

The one who carries you – your mother, my woman

Yes, she’s fairer than Xerxes’ best maidens

But I don’t look too bad myself

Dear Kid in the womb,

Male, female or otherwise,

HIS HOLY WHIZNESS

Shantey Shantey Shantey. Shantey Shantey Shantey… Sangalo…

HIS HOLY WHIZNESS

 I may sing along. I may love the beat. I may even jive to it the few times I jive at all. But. I have never seen a duller whiz kid in my life. Maybe the fact that he is a self-proclaimed “Wheez Keed” plays a part in the dullness. After all, the lizard still finds time to hail itself. Even that lizard must have first performed outrageous feats – like falling from an Iroko tree – to deserve its own self-adulation. Why should I ask my parents if Wheez Keed is bad gan? My father will definitely never have heard of that name, and if I spell it to him, he would cringe instantly and feign a heart attack that measures 9... on the Richter scale. My mom, despite being a deaconess of The Apostolic Church likes to be worldly, in terms of songs, sometimes.

Kayode Faniyi: LIKE STARS ON EARTH

Kayode Faniyi: LIKE STARS ON EARTH

LIKE STARS ON EARTH

I did not watch “My Name is Khan”. I just didn’t. I’m not sure I had a rational excuse. If I used the typical “hype” excuse, I wouldn’t have been deceiving anyone but myself. I wish I had watched. I can now see what people must have seen in the movie. I can now picture clearly in my mind, why dozens  of students were moved – deeply so – by watching Aamir Khan depict an autistic man and his struggles with the world. There’s only so much I can say about My Name Is Khan without sounding like a fraud,  because, as I stated above, I did not watch it.

NIGERIA: TOEING THE COMPANY LINE

Tic, Tac, Toe...

There are times when you are up and about and you just notice things that, when you think about them, turn out to be amusing. For example, the following:


1. STARCOMMS, We Speak Your Language

I’m sorry, but no, you don’t. I know there are folks that write in your language, but assembly language has never been my strong suite. Imagine everyone going like, “01010111010101010101.  DO LOOP END etc etc”. Duh. Give me some English or Yoruba anyday. I can even tolerate the Akoko dialect, but please, spare me the alphanumeric bull.

2. THANKGOD AWAITED LIBERATION MINISTRY

Yes, a church, one church, is actually called that. If you think I’m the Police and I’m telling fibs, check out Awolowo Way at Ikeja. You’ll see. There are lots of Ibo-owned