FUNNY PEOPLE

I don’t know what you’d call this, maybe a movie pun or something. But Funny People goes The Whole Nine Yards. Adam Sandler was in them both, aint it “maite”? So, I’m sure I need someone to figure out what figure of speech to call that sentence, but not until you hear what I have to say.

I was a bit late on the Funny People train. I did my private screening in July 2010. The movie came out I think sometimes in 2009, and I remember doing a ‘review’ on it. Now, doing a review in Nigeria most times (and a little bit for me) means that I glean information from the www and try to mold it to my taste. Your summary and imagination skills have to be up Everest to embark on that, or you’d just foul up the whole thing. I will try

GOD BLESS AFRICA

Now, I’m not one easily given to emotion. I have sat down at times, and upon deep reflection, I have come to a conclusion that I merely hide it better than most, which is a good thing because I’m all for mastering our situations and circumstances.

Be that as it may, the South African story, or more on-point, the Nelson Mandela-South Africa story has never ceased to inspire me, or move me to tears as the occasion may warrant. Granted, 27 years is a long time to be put out of circulation, but the way in which the man went about rebuilding his country’s confidence in

BABY'S DAY OUT

The soon-to-be father's hysteria,
The mother's mind-boggling pain,
Closely pushed by joy near enough,
Doctors and nurses,
Calm and serene,

TWITTER SUMMARIES

Twitter. Twidda. Twirra. Call it what you please, but whichever thing (social network obviously) took over from Facebook had to be the dog’s bollocks. I learnt that from being too “Englandish” in my browsing habits. Dog’s bollocks, way to go!

QUICK QUESTION(S)

What is it with Twitter exactly? How the heck did Twitter gazzump Facebook? I remember reading a BBC article in 2009 when Twitter had but 350,000 users, as fast growing as it was then. Why doesn’t Microsoft Office “defaultly” recognize perhaps two of the most used words in the world  - Twitter and Facebook?

UPDATE: Facebook fights back with improvements announced at the f8 conference

IF YOU ARE NO STAR, YOU’VE GOTTA DO THE “BAMBI ALLAH”

After being a relative hit on Facebook, it was a bit strange coming to Twitter and all you had was yourself to talk with. This was way back before Twitter became the dog’s bollocks amongst Naija youth. Dog’s bollocks

TWINKLE'S ALL GROWN UP NOW!

Jiggle, jiggle shapely butt
How I wonder, "WHAT THE FUCK?!!"
Up above the knee just high

Like a bootie on a...thigh

OSAMA: THE DEFINITIVE TIMELINE

Va Va Voom!

SATURDAY NIGHT

Osama watched Saturday Night Live, live from New York at his Abbotabad headquarters, and was understandably aggrieved. That Seth Meyers guy could only do false Gaddafi and Mubarak interviews. Gaddafi and Mubarak had been stealing all the headlines lately. Osama nodded to himself grimly. He knew just what to do to swing the pendulum back in his favour, and he knew what to do to hold it there, at least for a couple of weeks. That should soothe my battered ego alright. Osama pressed a button on his remote to mute the TV. Someone was doing a Charlie Sheen impression. Again. Osama fiddled with his beard and took his script. Time to rehearse for my own TV show, starring Osama Bin Laden, Black Background Curtain, Raised Fist and later on, introducing new star, Bombs. Osama couldn’t quite get “the tone” right, and so he retired for the night.

SUNDAY MORNING/AFTERNOON

Osama woke up with a start. He had had a dream in which Obama was chasing him, along with an AIDS-infested Kenyan “virgin”. Not to

DEAR KID IN THE WOMB

Dear Kid in the womb,

I have one first order for you,

You must look like me!

The one who carries you – your mother, my woman

Yes, she’s fairer than Xerxes’ best maidens

But I don’t look too bad myself

Dear Kid in the womb,

Male, female or otherwise,

HIS HOLY WHIZNESS

Shantey Shantey Shantey. Shantey Shantey Shantey… Sangalo…

HIS HOLY WHIZNESS

 I may sing along. I may love the beat. I may even jive to it the few times I jive at all. But. I have never seen a duller whiz kid in my life. Maybe the fact that he is a self-proclaimed “Wheez Keed” plays a part in the dullness. After all, the lizard still finds time to hail itself. Even that lizard must have first performed outrageous feats – like falling from an Iroko tree – to deserve its own self-adulation. Why should I ask my parents if Wheez Keed is bad gan? My father will definitely never have heard of that name, and if I spell it to him, he would cringe instantly and feign a heart attack that measures 9... on the Richter scale. My mom, despite being a deaconess of The Apostolic Church likes to be worldly, in terms of songs, sometimes.

Kayode Faniyi: LIKE STARS ON EARTH

Kayode Faniyi: LIKE STARS ON EARTH

LIKE STARS ON EARTH

I did not watch “My Name is Khan”. I just didn’t. I’m not sure I had a rational excuse. If I used the typical “hype” excuse, I wouldn’t have been deceiving anyone but myself. I wish I had watched. I can now see what people must have seen in the movie. I can now picture clearly in my mind, why dozens  of students were moved – deeply so – by watching Aamir Khan depict an autistic man and his struggles with the world. There’s only so much I can say about My Name Is Khan without sounding like a fraud,  because, as I stated above, I did not watch it.

NIGERIA: TOEING THE COMPANY LINE

Tic, Tac, Toe...

There are times when you are up and about and you just notice things that, when you think about them, turn out to be amusing. For example, the following:


1. STARCOMMS, We Speak Your Language

I’m sorry, but no, you don’t. I know there are folks that write in your language, but assembly language has never been my strong suite. Imagine everyone going like, “01010111010101010101.  DO LOOP END etc etc”. Duh. Give me some English or Yoruba anyday. I can even tolerate the Akoko dialect, but please, spare me the alphanumeric bull.

2. THANKGOD AWAITED LIBERATION MINISTRY

Yes, a church, one church, is actually called that. If you think I’m the Police and I’m telling fibs, check out Awolowo Way at Ikeja. You’ll see. There are lots of Ibo-owned