NIGERIA: TOEING THE COMPANY LINE

Tic, Tac, Toe...

There are times when you are up and about and you just notice things that, when you think about them, turn out to be amusing. For example, the following:


1. STARCOMMS, We Speak Your Language

I’m sorry, but no, you don’t. I know there are folks that write in your language, but assembly language has never been my strong suite. Imagine everyone going like, “01010111010101010101.  DO LOOP END etc etc”. Duh. Give me some English or Yoruba anyday. I can even tolerate the Akoko dialect, but please, spare me the alphanumeric bull.

2. THANKGOD AWAITED LIBERATION MINISTRY

Yes, a church, one church, is actually called that. If you think I’m the Police and I’m telling fibs, check out Awolowo Way at Ikeja. You’ll see. There are lots of Ibo-owned
businesses around that church and so I’m thinking; it’s probably one Ibo man doing one on his other Ibo brothers. What goes around always tries to come around.

3. HARD AND SOFT SOLUTIONS

Forgive me, if, upon my first sighting of the name, I was going to recommend this company to my friend with the erectile dysfunction shebang.  Sad, because it’s actually just your common business center – photocopy, printing etc.

4. YOYO BITTERS

The retard that named this company deserves a public hiding, followed by OAU-style parading, with professional “abusers” dogging his every step. He should also be made to sit on a cactus tree in the Sahara for five hours and submerged neck-deep in Arctic ice for 2 hours etc etc. The retard or retards that accepted the name should also be given 100 strokes, Sharia-swag. If I needed a yoyo, I wouldn’t drink it, and I would certainly slap him or her!

5. OSHOPEY PLAZA

To pronounce it is a problem; do I call it Oshopey as in “key”, or Oshopey as in “hey”? Apart from that, what were the owners thinking? We know folks are supposed to shop for goods and services in a plaza, but why make shopping sound disgusting? O shop e. Well, geniuses, we guessed after you called it a plaza!

6. JAGO MILK

Jago sounds more like the name of your friendly neighbourhood nuisance/area boy than it does the brand name of milk any self-respecting human being should be taking. Who gives these things names anyways?

7. THE NIGERIAN SECURITY AND CIVIL DEFENCE CORPS, Defending the Defenceless

Impressive slogan, for a corps that has no real function.

8. KOGI STATE

Anything that means anything in this state carries the name “Confluence”, which begs the question; “isn’t the confluence just in Lokoja, one city (glorified town) in the myriad of towns, villages and hovels that populate one of Nigeria’s most backward states?”

9. NIGERIAN POLITICIANS

What would have happened if President Obama hadn’t used the word “change” as his major campaign slogan back in 2008? Would Nigerian politicians (and I use that term freely) have had the sense to come up with something else? Would we still be stuck with “Hope”, MKO’s world-famous slogan? Was “change” even a word before Obama over-popularized it?


10. MTN, Everywhere You Go 


Yeah... totally... Everywhere we go indeed. How about just outside Lagos, on the Lagos-Ibadan Expressway - one of the busiest highways in Nigeria?


...to be continued


P.S: Some of you are more creative than a typical Arsene Wenger press conference, and I imagine you must have noticed yours too. How about you drop a comment about that observation of yours?