OSAMA: THE DEFINITIVE TIMELINE

Va Va Voom!

SATURDAY NIGHT

Osama watched Saturday Night Live, live from New York at his Abbotabad headquarters, and was understandably aggrieved. That Seth Meyers guy could only do false Gaddafi and Mubarak interviews. Gaddafi and Mubarak had been stealing all the headlines lately. Osama nodded to himself grimly. He knew just what to do to swing the pendulum back in his favour, and he knew what to do to hold it there, at least for a couple of weeks. That should soothe my battered ego alright. Osama pressed a button on his remote to mute the TV. Someone was doing a Charlie Sheen impression. Again. Osama fiddled with his beard and took his script. Time to rehearse for my own TV show, starring Osama Bin Laden, Black Background Curtain, Raised Fist and later on, introducing new star, Bombs. Osama couldn’t quite get “the tone” right, and so he retired for the night.

SUNDAY MORNING/AFTERNOON

Osama woke up with a start. He had had a dream in which Obama was chasing him, along with an AIDS-infested Kenyan “virgin”. Not to

worry. It was just a silly dream. I should give Gilani the PM a call. Just to see if things are alright. Yes, Arsenal play Man Utd today! Come on you, Gunners! I shall take over the club, and rechristen it “Bombers”. Sits nicely with my philosophy. Osama couldn’t quite settle down until the match kicked off, and when Aaron Ramsey scored, he grabbed Wife Number Three, and felt her up pretty darn good. We’ve sent the devil to Al’ Janaa, even if it’s this once! I shall sleep peacefully tonight! Wife Number Two, whip up some shish kebab!

SUNDAY NIGHT

Osama was dozing. He had made some headway in rehearsing the “Message to the American Infidels”. He had watched some Tyra Banks afterwards, and he had made up his mind not to attack whichever city that woman was in. That beautiful face, gorgeous body and graceful walk should not be sacrificed for anything, not even ideology. He came awake suddenly, as the sound of a distant chopper came into his ears. Bloody Pakistani military, manoeuvring aircraft at this time of the night. What happened to daytime?  He made to sleep again, but a deafening bang put paid to that thought. What was that? Was it in here, or was it in an adjoining house? He scrambled up and sat still. A gunshot rang out, and a scream followed. He began to shake uncontrollably, and just then his room burst open.

Get down! Put your hands in the hair! Do not move a muscle!

Wife Number One screamed uncontrollably and made for the gun just in her reach. She didn’t make it. A bullet struck Hafiz, whom she also been clutching. One soldier moved everyone out of the room.

Geronimo, you are coming with us! But we are going to pretend you are dead.

With that, another soldier brought out a mock-up of Osama, shot it in the head and chest, and then painted on some blood. Two body bags were produced, one to transport the mock-up, the other for Geronimo himself. One chopper failed to take off, and was destroyed. The soldiers got out of Dodge in the other three.

In the bright pre-dawn sky over the North Arabian Sea, a lone star twinkled. On the USS Carl Vinson, a soldier dressed in combat fatigue tipped a body bag into the sea.

EARLY MONDAY MORNING

Is my make-up okay? Am I looking good? Is my voice tip-top?

"Mr President, you are good to go," Monica Lewinsky, reinstated White House intern, replied the president.

Okay.

"You go live in one, two, three, and you are live!"

"Good evening. Tonight, I can report to the American people and to the world that the United States has conducted an operation that killed Osama bin Laden, the leader of Al-Qaeda, and a terrorist who's responsible for the murder of thousands of innocent men, women, and children…” Blah blah blah.

LATER ON MONDAY

...Nuff Said

President Obama had been secretly smuggled into the facility. A double was presently waving at people at the White House.

“Where’s he?” the President asked

“He’s still out cold sir. He’ll be awake in 5 minutes,” a SEAL replied.

“Take me to him.”

And there he was, lying face up on a trolleyed stretcher, and very naked. He had been secured in a 10 feet by 10 feet cell. The President walked toward him.

“This place stinks. You don’t do much cleaning, do you? Don’t answer that. So, here’s the bloody idiot that has been causing us trouble, huh? For one so courageous, one would think he’d have bigger balls, but nah, it’s McShrinky. I bet I can wake him up now,” said the President as he aimed a punch at Osama’s “thingies”. Osama jumped awake just before the punch reached him.

Bloody infidel,” he spat, “and to think a “B” is all that differentiates your name from mine.” The restraints limited Osama’s movements, and he collapsed back into the stretcher.

“I’m going to pick your brains until you become a vegetable, you son of an Arab whore,” Obama continued. “The whole world thinks you are at the bottom of the sea, being fed upon by fish of different shapes and sizes, but you are in Gitmo, and through you, I’ll defeat terrorism!” 

“I won’t tell you a thing.”

“You watch too much Hollywood, huh? You’ll tell me things, you coward. Why didn’t you strap on a vest yourself?"

“I needed to…” 

“Don’t answer that!,” Obama cut in.

“I’ll let my Secretary of Disinformation, Robert Gates, handle all the rest while you sing to us here. Oh, and you’ll never see me again. Thank God for the opportunity you had of seeing an American president in live and living colour. Not many have the chance.”

TUESDAY MORNING

Big Brother is watching!

It was another stiffly cold morning in Russia. Sergei Ilyich Andropov of the FSB resumed for duty again. His father, Andrei Ivansevic, still regaled him with tales of the old times with the KGB, when espionage was truly fun. These days, well… He sat at the computer console and called up “Ivan The Terrible”, Russia’s spy satellite over the North Arabian Sea and its bordering countries. Ivan The Terrible had been deployed to that area to monitor US activities there. After all, Russia still pretended it was a superpower. The US said Osama had been tipped over the USS Carl Vinson; well, we’ll see about that.  He typed in the time frame the burial should have taken place into the computer, and sat back. He zoomed into the deck, and continued watching as the satellite panned over choppers and other aircraft. He caught sight of some choppers – 3 in number – that were all by themselves, like they had just been used. He zoomed in. He could see people now. Two trash bags lay on the ground beside them. He zoomed in still, until the trash bags took the form of body bags. Strange.  Shouldn’t there be only one bag? The US brought back only Osama right? He watched as one of the bags was tipped into sea. The other was loaded onto a plane that looked like a C-130… it was a C-130, and the transport plane took off soon after. Hmmm… Promotion is in the air! I will own dachas in Barviha! I will holiday with Yelena, Natasha and Maria! Of course, at different times! He picked up the phone and dialed a number. 

“Da,” crackled the other voice on the line.

“Tovarisch, get me the Chairman’s office, I have special news. Red October has surfaced. He’ll understand.”

TUESDAY NIGHT

"Hello Angela."

"Hello Barack," Angela Merkel, German Chancellor, replied.

"If you didn't let me do you at Valentine's, how about now? I just caught the world's Most Wanted Man, you know?

"The world's most wanted man is Cristiano Ronaldo," she replied. "He makes my juices flow! And you didn't catch Osama, Navy SEALs did that!"

"Angela, you amuse me. How can any white woman not want a balck man's "business" in them? And you are European!"

"I take it that Michele is in Hawaii with the kids right? Call her back if you are so horny. I wonder why they gave the most difficult job in the world to a horny man."

"Well...," Obama started, "It isn't that difficult actually. I just order people around, and wasn't Clinton president once?"