DR REUBEN ABATI, THE ATTACK CUB

Okupe handing Abati roaring lessons

Dr Reuben Abati would have made Nas proud. Nas is the American rapper, just in case you were wondering. ““THEY” in this piece refers to all the cynics, the pestle-wielding critics, the unrelenting, self-appointed activists, the idle and idling, twittering…”

Well, he is done hauling his own rocks at Nigerians exercising their fundamental human rights in demanding better. The coast appears to be clear to haul the stone he says we should hold. Unlike Dr Abati, I’ve spent the last 6 months ignoring the “Jonathan question”. I figured we were all just nattering, and that there were a lot of natterers. One less cynical, twittering natterer would slip by unnoticed. And so it was. But now, I’ve decided to fetch my pestle - the one we don’t have to pound yam with anymore – from the backyard. It’s moldy but it’ll do the job of pounding humans well enough. I do not have a lot of pounding to do, as the “facts” Dr Abati presents or neglects to present in his missive can hardly bear scant empirical examination, not to talk of the type I was required to carry out as an undergraduate in Dr Shittu’s lab in the Department of

Microbiology at OAU.

Dr Abati is paid to do a job. I wouldn’t expect that he says President Jonathan is indeed clueless even if he were. Armed with this fact (which is indeed a fact), we understand his rationale. Personally, I don’t think Dr Abati does his job well. For somebody paid to make the president look good, he does a very good job of exposing the president to negative publicity. Whilst negative publicity might be holy grail for celebrities, the president is a different kind of celebrity. Bad publicity harms Mr Presidents worldwide. I wonder why dictatorial governments try very hard to dissuade criticism and limit press freedom. Actually, I don’t wonder why because I know. I suspect Mr Abati knows too, but we all know the story of the piper and the payer.

“President Jonathan is a clever, methodical and intelligent man, who is very adept at wrong footing all the persons who make an effort to second-guess or under-estimate him. He understands the complexity of Nigeria. He is acutely conscious of the historicity of his emergence as Nigeria’s No. 1. He knows that he is here as the leader of all Nigerians. He knows that he is a representative of all common persons, particularly the children of all blue collar workers who never wore shoes or got a chance to eat three-square meals, and whose mothers and aunties could never be part of policy-making processes”.

The above is verbose nonsense. Mr Abati can spin a sentence very well, but how many blue collar workers has Mr Abati interacted with recently? How many mothers? How many aunties? In fact, how many Nigerians has he interacted with outside of the circle of sycophants that surround public office holders this side? In my few years on Earth, I’ve been privileged to see, read from and hear from “clever, methodical and intelligent men”. Mr Abati’s principal is still to convince me that he deserves such adjectives.

 An intelligent person doesn’t say things like these on live television:

• It is not declaration of assets that will cure Boko Haram.” Obviously, but that isn’t the issue.

• “Bomb attacks in Damaturu should not prevent the Government from travelling and sends a negative signal to the international community.” I guess the leaders of government that cut travels short to attend to tragedies must be stupid. President Obama must be stupid for leaving an engagement to see to the victims of the Aurora shooting.

• “I don’t give a damn…” Seriously, why bother go to school if a PhD holder President doesn’t know not to use swear words on TV.

Truly intelligent people who know they have to be in the public eye don’t have the subtlety of a rapist in speaking or in expressions. I’ve heard Mr President speak. The only excuse for such diction can only be drunkenness. If he isn’t drunk when he speaks off the cuff, err…  

“But I have heard some persons responding literally that Nigerians should never vote for a man who never wore shoes. How simplistic.” If Dr Abati doesn’t realize this is a joke, then I shall have to recommend a few animated movies to sharpen his sense of humour. What a wet blanket. Our dear friend appears to be the simplistic one.

“When he spoke about not wearing shoes as a child, he meant that as a metaphor for the disparities in the Nigerian system, and the urgent need to redress inequalities.” “They say Mr. President drinks. My friend and colleague, Etim Etim, called the other day to say that whatever may be the challenges on this job, he could affirm that I am at least enjoying. “What with all the choice drinks on every trip,” he said. I told him, “No, we don’t drink.” He protested. He thought I was lying. He had heard that kain-kain is a staple fare on presidential flights. I told him No. We are not allowed to touch alcohol. Alcohol is not served during official duties. Yes, when there is an international function, wine is served, but nobody gets drunk around here. That will amount to an act of indiscipline. The President himself does not allow alcohol to be served at his table. But when you go to social media, they tell you something else. Lies. Lies. Lies.”

Well, since we are on about metaphors, I’ll point out other metaphors to Dr Abati. Yes, they say the president drinks kain-kain, but does the kain-kain have to be literal? Kain-kain is metaphor for delusion. Delusion, as well as kain-kain, can make a gutter appear like a good place to spend the night.

Dr Abati goes on to list the items on the President’s eating table, among other inanities. How is that relevant when the budget says there’s a certain amount of money that must be vanquished daily to feed the presidential mouths?

“Here is a man who is an epitome of loyalty and simplicity. The thing about the President’s critics is that they just cannot accept that someone with his simplicity can be their President. This is the Saul Complex. Saul could not accept the fact that somebody as simple as David could be favoured by God. And just like Saul threw the spear at David out of uncontrollable jealousy, these critics are out to throw any kind of spear to see which hits the target, hence all their lies about the President.”

Wait a minute, loyalty to whom? And do I spot a hint of mischief in Dr Abati calling the president simple? Saul Complex? Really? I suppose we all are presidents and “President” Jonathan has been anointed to take our place.

Then Dr Abati commits a grave sin by comparing, no, just even associating Goodluck Ebele Jonathan’s name with great men of history such as Mahatma Gandhi, Martin Luther King Jr, Abraham Lincoln and Kwame Nkrumah. Give me some of that kain-kain please.

To be fair to Mr President, circumstance has probably saddled him with a burden to heavy to bear for his faculties. For all his limitations, at least, we see some semblance progress. Oil money thieves are being prosecuted, there has been a rash of probes (don’t laugh), electricity has been very good for a while now, there’s cassava bread for us to savour etc etc. My candid advice to Mr President’s media and publicity advisers is to stop opening him up to more ridicule than he already has to face. The way to make a president look good is not to go all gung-ho with activist language as Dr Okupe and Dr Abati seem to think. The presidency should be classy and dignified in response to criticism (fair or unfair), as befits the office and the institution – the arm-round-the-neck approach.

Like I will keep saying, the greatest shut-the-hell-up President Jonathan and his team can give critics is to perform and let us see tangible results. Nigerians will gladly take up the social media fight against critics that will only then be embittered ones. It’s not Einstein’s Theory of Relativity. And to all well-meaning and unblinkered Nigerians, let’s now ignore the desperate clawing of a fast sinking “attack cub”.