THE GREATEST DILEMMA EVER

I got inspired by God-knows-what to embark on a quest for the greatest dilemma ever. The problem with this quest is that Google can do only so much; it requires meticulous research, sorting, and weighing on the Baadger-Satchel Scale of Dilemmic Importance. Very tough job, but don’t take my word for it. I’ll spare you the boring gist and just give you the results of my 2-year long research.

Despite years and years of drilling, we still sometimes freeze up, if only momentarily, at crunch time. This was what happened to Neil Armstrong in 1969. As he stood in the opened hatch of the lunar capsule, he was caught in two minds. Those scientists have probably never stepped out of their laboratories or research stations; what if they were wrong? What if I disintegrate or sink immediately I step onto the moon? What if I do the jumping walk and float into space, never to see my Earth again? But then again, can I pass
up the greatest opportunity to make history in the Milky Way Galaxy, as it is known to us?

“It was the greatest dilemma of my life,” Neil Armstrong said later in an interview. But this isn’t the greatest dilemma ever.

Robin van Persie was very much a hated figure in North London by the time the 2012/2013 season of the English Premier League kicked off. One would ordinarily his surprising move from Arsenal to Manchester United. He said of his move:

“Surprisingly, it was one of the easier decisions I’ve made in my life yet. Once the little boy spoke up, that was that.”

So, what Robin van Persie dilemma could have made it into my results? Manchester United had gone 2-1 down against Southampton at St. Mary’s when a Southampton defender went through his back in the 18-yard box. The referee pointed to the spot and Robin van Persie dusted himself up. The panenka or the absolute smash? This was Robin van Persie’s greatest dilemma, but it wasn’t the greatest dilemma ever. It is important to note that he missed the penalty, and from replays, you could clearly see that he was caught in two minds.

There comes a time in a girl’s life when she faces the most difficult of decisions. Omosalewa Bridget was faced with one such decision. Ladi Olorunfemi had as much money as he didn’t have sense. Muyiwa Famulegun had as much sense as he didn’t have money. Salewa, a buxom girl of 22 whole years, was faced with that great dilemma – to plop for the here and now, or to pitch tent with potential with the risks involved? Eventually, she settled for a two-pronged solution – milking both men of money and love. It was the greatest decision of Salewa’s young life, right after what choice of makeup products to adorn her fair face with. But this still wasn’t the greatest dilemma of them all.

Not everybody knows who Tim Cook is. Kitted out in an oversized shirt, faded jeans and sneakers, you wouldn’t think much of him if you happened to meet him on, say, a New York street, or worse, on a Lagos street. If you meet him on a California street, you could suspect he was one of those geeky rich. That, in fact, is what he is, plus the small bonus of being Apple CEO. Steve Jobs had died and it wasn’t uncommon for companies to seek new directions after the death of their talisman. Tim Cook found himself in just the same situation at Apple as the development of the iPhone 5 went on. What would be said of Tim Cook in the final analysis? Would he be a Steve Jobs protégé? Would it be said that he got CEOship because he wasn’t a boat-rocker?

“I thought of it really hard. How much damage could Bluetooth do to the iPhone?” Tim Cook said at an event in Antarctica, where Apple had gone to market the iPhone 5 to Eskimos.

In the end, the Apple way had won and this wasn’t the greatest dilemma ever.

What constitutes a great dilemma, you may ask. That is a question for the hydra-headed god of decision-making. It has been well documented in various journals of twitteristic research (e.g. The Bird Review) that taking a “relationship” beyond Twitter may result into the most deadening boredom, the sort Hitler had before he decided to annex Europe. Therefore, an age-long dilemma has existed in the minds of young men and young women hoping to take their twitteristic relationship to some sort of a next level. To keep it at DMs and mentions, or to take the plunge and demand for a number, PIN or other tools of digital identification? This, however great, still isn’t the greatest dilemma.

When a young man, a great lover of football and Arsenal, has a choice to make between watching a match between Arsenal and Chelsea at 12:45pm and attending his brother’s wedding at 12 noon on the same day in body, spirit and soul… when this happens… congratulations, you have just reached the nirvana of dilemmas.